You know you've neglected the blog for too long when your husband, Mr. Anti-Social Media, posts. Twice.
A "2014: Year in Review" is coming, as Taylor gave me that writing assignment earlier this morning. It'll take me forever to condense that bear of a year into a single post, so today you get a "stream of consciousness" post. I know if I stop to re-read or edit this post I'll delete it altogether, as I have with at least 15-20 blogging attempts in the past four months, so you're getting this fast and furious, uncut and unedited. Yikes.
Life is good. 2014 in many ways nearly killed me, and at the same time turned out to be the best year ever ever ever. So many good things happened for our family - hard, and yet good. On several occasions last year I approached the blog ready to vent or celebrate (mostly vent and/or whine), but I couldn't bring myself to do it because the minute I wrote it all out and re-read it, I felt ridiculous for being so ungrateful. If I was writing to celebrate, I felt selfish, as though I wasn't being sensitive to others going through much harder things. Blogging presents a difficult challenge - you want to be real, but uplifting, and yet not present a false impression that every day is picture perfect. We all read blogs, and many of us have become experts at critiquing them - they're either too idealistic, too sponsored, too trying-to-get-sponsored, too cutesy, too whiney, too self-centered, too much information... You know what I mean?
Anyway, where am I going with this? I'm wondering myself.
This morning I posted a picture of Sam eating his breakfast, blueberry jam smeared so perfectly all over his face (and that little nose!). I grabbed my phone, asked him to smile, and got this pose:
After posting this picture on Instagram, I felt horrible, like I was presenting a false reality. Last night I was nearly in tears over some things that have been a source of stress for Taylor and me, and I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with reality. My prayers were scatter-brained and pretty pathetic, to be honest. I went to the Temple early this morning to get some clarity and answers, and had one of those days at the Temple when I was more distracted than tuned in (anyone have that happen before?). I left feeling horribly guilty for missing an opportunity to receive light and comfort from God. And on top of that, I had missed my intended session by a few measly minutes, so I was over half an hour later, making Taylor almost late to a meeting. I rushed in the door after an impatient and guilt-laden drive home. I made some quick toast for Sam, and after trying to pull myself together in the kitchen, I walked out and saw Sam's sweet face covered in jam.
In short, this morning wasn't perfect. It was full of frustration, anxiety, and lots of guilt. But, like Heavenly Father did throughout 2014, He blessed me with a sweet little moment, a peek into heaven, courtesy of Mr. Sam. Threaded through all of the frustrating and heartbreaking are really good and happy things, the best things, really. It's those things that have sustained me through the hard times, and reminded me that life is so hard, but it's also pretty dang wonderful.
It brought to mind the one in-tune thought I did have while in the Temple this morning. While asking my Father in Heaven several questions like what to do about this, how can I fix this, will this be okay, etc., I could feel Heavenly Father saying, "Don't worry about all those little things. They don't really matter. I know they feel like they're critically important, but they're not. Let them go. Open your eyes, look at all of your blessings, and be grateful."
I'm embarrassed that I had forgotten that important lesson less than 30 minutes after having received it, so I'm grateful and indebted to this sweet little 2 1/2 year old boy for being an instrument in God's hands to remind me of that truth.
That's all for now. I hope that made sense!